I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
