I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
