Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet