i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.