Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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