Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
