This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship