for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
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Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
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I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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