The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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