Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
