he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Please don't give away my fajitas
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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