we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
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Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
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