She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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