Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.