I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
