Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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