Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
