was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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