And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
