I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
