got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Is it because I queefed?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
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I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
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he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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