And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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