apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
4 words: hood of his car
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
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Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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