If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
