I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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