The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes