If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.