just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
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Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.