His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.