I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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