the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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