when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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