don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
