I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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