Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize