Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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