I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.