What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.