I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
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WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I have aggressive nipples.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize