Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
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Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
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running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.