i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
