life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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