i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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