Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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