That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I love having hate sex.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
3 2 1 whiskey
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.