Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
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after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
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siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is