I wanna bring you to show and tell
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles