i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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