i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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