Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
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It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
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Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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