I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
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If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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