I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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