dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.