I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.