I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
