My Higher Power is John Stamos
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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