I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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