Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
