he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
